Keith Lemon's Lemonaid

Back in February I applied for a new ITV programme called Lemonaid, presented by Leigh Francis, famed for his award winning Celebrity Juice show.  Anyone who's watched late night Celebrity Juice knows how rude and suggestive Keith Lemon is so I had a good idea what kind of show it would be.

Knowing that Keith Lemon is all about sexual innuendoes, an idea I'd already been planning involving nipple tassels was my instant thought to pitch.  As I'm a model and love wearing tassels I wanted to combine the cheekiness of pin up with my infatuation for Katy Perry; make a funny and rude video paying homage to the California Gurls singer and get her to see the vid.  So that's what I wrote in my application to the production team.

I wasn't surprised when I received a call about my application because I knew it was a cheeky idea that was right up Keith Lemon's street.  It didn't quite pan out that way though.  I was told quite literally that my idea was too rude for the programme!  The show was intended for a prime time family viewing slot and that because of the time schedule it meant all ideas had to be clean.

Keith Lemon do a clean family teatime show?  The potty mouthed comedian of night time sexually driven Celebrity Juice?   I couldn't honestly see the connection and waited with baited breathe for the series to actually come to air.

Lemonaid was aired for the first time on Saturday night at 6:15pm over the Easter weekend and within seconds of the show starting it proved to be the same recipe as Celebrity Juice, barely it's diluted sister.

The set was a huge Keith Lemon head with his porn star moustached mouth as his table and trademark bandaged right (wanking) hand as guests chair.   Lemon's opening words were to proclaim he never thought he'd be 'sat on my own face' and told his live audience that he's 'a genie of the lamp' - 'give me a little rub' he said as he gestured with his bandaged hand.

And so the usual remarks continued, echoing Celebrity Juice, only this time having prime position of teatime tv.

Guest Cilla Black was complimented on being 'bang tidy' and that she had a figure that was 'svelte; streamlined like a nice sausage'.   During an on set game Lemon remarked on the costume camels saying  'look at all the camel toes', referring to what we all know.

Don't get me wrong.  I like a bit of sexual innuendo.  I have a dirty mind myself that I bet even Mr Lemon would raise his bushy eyebrows at.  But call this family viewing friendly?  I totally disagree.

Then Keith Lemon had a mission to complete which involved an eleven year old lad wishing he could be Keith Lemon.  His 'wish' was granted and he spent the rest of the day dressed like a mini Keith, 'tash and all.  There wasn't so much a problem with what they did (they went bowling to 'shoot some balls' and chatted up women) but more the fact that how would an eleven year old know who Keith Lemon was if he didn't stay up past his bedtime watching late night adult tv programmes?  Not exactly what a kid that age should be doing, or more to the point, a tv show basically approving it.

So really the same old naughty suggestive lines continued through to the end.  The innocently titled 'Lemon Drops' game dropped to the gutter with prizes such as a JLS duvet cover - 'go to bed with four fit pop stars' - and a swingball game for a man told 'you'll love swinging'.  Cilla Black, who was controlling Lemon's human fun fair grabber, said 'You've never talked to me between your legs before' with Keith swiftly replying 'can sort that out at the end of the show if you want'.

Celebrity Juice is hilarious and it's appropriately aired around 10pm.  Yet Lemonaid which is literally the same programme is aired just after 6, with the same rude jokes before the watershed, and this time there's kids in the mix.  Ewww.

What I can't understand is how my idea which involved a bit of pin up fun and current pop favourite, Katy Perry, was poo-pooed for being too rude?  Only last week on Britain's Got Talent there was a burlesque dancer who stripped down to her nipple tassels.  How was that aired then?

I have it sussed.  My idea wasn't too rude or racy for the tv audience.  It's because Keith himself would have been stuck for words when he'd see me whip out my tassels - bang tidy an' all!

Becky x

Tuesday.

I hadn't seen the Grammys but last night I saw on Katy Perry's Facebook that she'd performed a new song on her first outing since the split from Russell Brand.  I am totally blown away by it, it's an absolutely amazing song and definitely the right tune to belt out at this point in her life.  The song's called Part of Me and if you've not yet heard it, you must!  I'm totally addicted to it already - and you can hear here:

I got an awesome phone call this afternoon and I'm so bursting to tell about it but I have to be sworn to secrecy at the moment.  It concerns my lovely bunny Bobby (who's in my main picture with me) but that's all I can say!  It's really good news anyway - may not sound that great, but really is good, for Bobby and me.  I will tell all soon enough...!

I also had a phone conversation with a tv production company who are making a new Keith Lemon show.  Unfortunately the huge idea I had to go on with seems too rude for it!  Now, knowing what Celebrity Juice is like, you'd think a new show would be equally if not more rude than that, but no, apparently it's going to be for family viewing.  Very disappointing on my part, I think I sounded absolutely crazy and that guy on the other end of the phone is probably wondering what a kind of mad woman I am.  Hmmm.  I think I need a plan B and come back to it.

On a different note, I finally used my sewing machine!  Woo-hoo!  I had been petrified of trying it out, since the last time I touched one was at school and I remember how pants at it I was.  But yeah, it was kinda cool (once I'd had a melt down trying to figure out how to rig it up and ended up reeling Sean in to figure it out for me.  He's a man.  It's mechanics.  That's how I'm seeing it.)  It reminded me of the first driving lesson I ever had, oh my goodness, that feeling of touching the accelerator and not daring to actually push your foot onto the pedal.  I'm sure it'll all come with practice, I'm hoping!  I had a little go of stitching in a straight line with various stitch types and then reinforcing stitches by reverse stitching.  Then I decided I would just jump straight into it and finally sewed some lining on the bedroom curtains.  I think it helped that I did stitch something tangible, and makes me feel more confident about going on the sewing machine again and trying out other stuff, like the cushions I've been wanting to make for months.  If anyone has any tips for a sewing machine beginner, please do share!  Being a perfectionist it frustrates me that I can't do it perfectly right away and I want to be a proper sewing machinist.  Well, capable of producing more than lining on curtains.  :-)

Becky x